There is a difference between a child’s meltdown when they are not getting their way and a meltdown when they are experiencing something overwhelming. That difference lies in the motivation behind the behavior. Understanding the distinction makes all the difference.
Generally speaking, all children and teens experience dysregulation, and many of them have brief episodes or mild moments of defiance. What we are going to explore in this blog are patterns of defiance or dysregulation that impact your child’s ability to engage and enjoy the experiences around them.
Defiance
Defiance is any negative behavior children display when they do not want to cooperate or follow rules. The tone of the behavior is aggressive, disagreeable, loud, and typically pointed at a certain person, rule, or activity.
Some examples include:
- Disobeying family norms at home or in public (not waiting in line, hitting, throwing trash)
- Refusing to listen to a teacher in class or finish a project/homework
- Frequent aggressive behavior (verbal and non-verbal) or screaming meltdowns
- Blaming others or situations for their outbursts (can use manipulation or lies)
Emotional Dysregulation
Dysregulation is when a child’s body and mind are unable to process what is happening around them in a way that is comfortable or rational. For some neurodivergent children, the activating situation is not always easy to identify (sensory overload or neutral social situations). Coupled with communication differences and some children being unable to verbalize what is happening – this experience can be highly emotional, loud, and physically draining. Most children experience difficulties with decompressing and calming down afterwards.
Defiance or Dysregulation = Distance
Both defiance and dysregulation tend to create distance. When children are in distress, it can be chaotic, unsafe, and draining for your child and everyone around them. For neurodivergent children, this distance can be devastating because they may already feel misunderstood by others.
Closing this gap starts with observation:
- When or who is involved when your child is experiencing breakdowns?
- How would you describe the intensity of these breakdowns (physical thrashing, repetitive rocking, crying, screaming, or breaking things)
- Are the breakdowns or behavior happening in response to requests or rules?
- How does your child decompress or return to their baseline mood?
The Motivation Behind the Behavior
If you identify a pattern throughout these observations – write it out! Look for similarities or look at the elements involved. If you are seeing a meltdown happen when your child is being asked to do something, help with something, learn something, or follow a rule, you are likely seeing defiance. The motivation behind this behavior is to avoid having to do something unpleasant or cooperate with something that is not interesting to them. If you see them calm down once you have backed out of the request – you likely have defiance.
If you observe the breakdowns happening when there is a slight change in environment or when new people join an activity, you may be seeing dysregulation. The changes may seem subtle to you, but to your child, the environmental change can be sensory overload (sounds, new scents, temperature change, or bright colors). They may go into shielding their eyes or covering their ears. They may begin to rock back and forth. They may also start shouting or crying. The motivation behind this behavior is to protect themselves and to alert people that they need help. This is not an act of defiance – it’s an act of overprotection.
Restoring the Body and Mind
When your child goes into a dysregulated state – everything is cranked all the way up. Their emotions are high. Their body temperature can rise. Their heartbeat can become rapid, and communicating is nearly impossible.
- The first step is to focus on regulating their body because the problem-solving part of the brain is not accessible at that moment. Teaching mindfulness and grounding techniques is a great start. Check out these mindfulness activities for kids.
- Labeling their experience is the next step. This allows you and your child to build a toolkit to be prepared. Start with a simple emotions chart like this: Emotion Regulation Wheel
- Prepare yourself and your child with headphones, cozy hooded sweaters, plush toys, or other soothing things that help them regulate their body and mind back to calm.
- Validate their experience, but don’t allow their experience to dictate the family plans or the structure of the day. Tolerating distress is important for kids of all ages – as it leads to better educational outcomes and healthier social skills.
If you need any additional tools, resources, or have any questions – feel free to contact us and schedule a brief consultation.
